Like me, I am sure you hopped on the teacher train thinking you were going to be the best, most amazing teacher who will reach and inspire all of your students. It has taken me nine years to understand that I am not actually failing at this, but instead I have come to the realisation that it is actually not possible to be ‘that’ teacher for all your students. When you think back, how many of your teachers do you really remember?; how many of your past students do you really remember? I know for me, the years all blur and now, working in a middle school, I teach about 60 different students. This has greatly impacted my ability to build those deep relationships. It is important to remember that while you are dealing with that challenging behaviour, feeling like the walls are caving in around you, there are actually students in your classroom who will remember you forever with so much love and appreciation, because you will be the person they need. When I began writing this book, I wrote about becoming the teacher I needed as a child. So while I may struggle with the behaviour that pushes back at me, when I teach a child like me, or a child who needs someone to see them, I will be there. But only when I allow myself to see them through all the noise and the fog. It is all too easy to get lost in the noise and allow yourself to give all your power away. And when I say power, I am not talking about being an authoritative figure who children stand to attention for, I am talking about your magic. We all have it, we wouldn’t be teachers without it. If we are not too careful, we give our power away or let people stifle it to the point we forget what we are doing here. We forgot about the magic we had in the first place. 

 

All too recently, all my energy was going into the negative things happening in my classroom. That kid who just kept pushing back. The more I focused on it, the more it progressed. To the point where I actually had to walk away from a child only to break down in the work room – I was broken. I was going to lose my absolute shit. I believe, the more we think about and feel an emotion, the more the universe gives us of that emotion – think about it – you wake up late, instant bad mood. You stub your toe on your way out the door. You get every red light on the way. You leave your charger at home. The photocopier jams… all before 8.30am setting you up for a pretty shitty day a head. I was putting all my energy into negative thoughts and feelings, so this is what I was getting back. I was losing my magic. Around the same time, a lovely student of mine was struggling with the same boy I was, well not just him, but his group of friends. The relentless bullying was getting her down. I was reminded, while working with this quirky, bright and happy-go-lucky girl, that I was still needed and wanted. She needed me to have her back. She needed me to have my magic. She needed the teacher I have worked so hard to be. While I was so busy feeling so unwanted, disrespected and invisible, there was someone sitting right in front of me who needed me to be there for her. To have her back. To help her find her magic and allow it to shine. And, I helped her. I helped her the way she needed to be helped, well the second time anyway… 

 

This was my message to her: 

 

This is my beautiful student, Shannon. A few weeks ago, she came to me because some boys in our class were making her life difficult; they were taking something she loves dearly and telling anyone who would listen how gay it is. They even said it to her face, demoralizing her and making herself second guess whether it was ok or not to express her true self. I remember being a 13 year old, I remember it so clearly, with some much raw feeling and emotion. It was a tough time, my whole primary schooling was a tough time; I was bullied too, but back then, it wasn’t called bullying, it was called ‘boys being boys.’ It really did shape me for the rest of my schooling, and my young adult life, I became a people pleaser, I became quiet and I learned to hide the sides of myself I didn’t want other people to see. 

After this bright, beautiful, kind and spirited young woman bared her soul to me, I couldn’t sit idly by, I don’t want Shannon to have to hide who she wants to be from the world, the world needs her light to shine bright. She was hurt; these boys had wounded her, not physically but left the scars that take much longer to heal. And I was hurt for her. Her light was dimming; they were putting out her fire. I spoke to the boys in question to call them out on their behaviour, and they said sorry. Words. Only words. Words are meaningless without action for we can say what we think others want to hear. We can say the right things, but without action, they are meaningless. 

I failed Shannon on this day. I didn’t make things better for her, I made them worse. The hate did not stop. It only changed its course. Shannon could not see the lips saying the words because they were no longer being spat at her face, but she could hear the words slapping her ears. She could feel the words pierce her skin. Shannon didn’t want me to do anything this time. Shannon wanted to know what she could do to get through, she wanted some strategies so she could deal with their actions. My heart broke for Shannon. Instead of telling Shannon to suck it up, to close her ears or to just get over it, I told her that the actions of others towards us tells us more about them than it does about us. I told her that she is not to change anything about herself. I told her to tell me about all the things she is amazing at because she truly is a remarkable young lady. And we decided to take our own course of action. Today, we both wore headbands as a silent protest. A silent protest to those who chose to make comments when she wore her headband to school. A silent protest to all the bullies out there who think its ok to bring others down with their words. 

 

You do not change yourself to conform Shannon. You do not let people’s words, opinions, actions, or thoughts about you dictate who you are and who you want to be. Shannon, you have a light shining in you so bright, you cannot let the world miss out. There will be people in our lives who don’t agree with us, who challenge us, who want to bring us down. There will be people who don’t understand us, who don’t see what the rest of the world sees, who don’t like us, and that is ok – that is the world in which we live; we are all born different for different reasons, with a different purpose, our lives will all be different. We are all here to bring the world our own uniqueness. Let your light shine.

Beautiful girl, you do not let people’s words, opinions, actions, or thoughts about you dictate who you are and who you want to be. When people want to hurt us, they are the ones who are truly hurting. They see something in you that they wish they saw in themselves. I see something in you so magical. Let your light shine bright, Shannon. The world needs your light. 

 

After our silent protest, I sent this message to Shannon. She replied telling me just how bad she has felt this year. About how horrible these boys have made her feel. She thanked me for showing her that it is ok to be herself. She told me she will wear her headband everyday from now on and I cried as I read her words. I forgot that I had so much to give. I forgot that there were other people who did need me. I forgot that teaching is more than having control, of having the perfect lesson plan or achievement grades. I needed Shannon to remind me of that. 

 

My magic is in my words. My magic is my compassion. My magic is the love I can give. I need to remember myself, the advice I gave Shannon. I need to remember to let my light shine and not let others steal my magic. I am needed. I am wanted. I am loved. 

 

And so are you. 

 

Teach from your heart. Don’t let yourself get sucked up into the negative bullshit and the challenges we face daily or they will own you. Allow yourself to see through the fog; find the faces smiling back at you. Understand, that even though there are days you don’t feel this way, you are loved and appreciated more than you know. 

 

I appreciate you. Thank you for doing what you do. 

I am writing today to express my deep anger and sadness at the way a large portion of society view our teachers. Teachers today are no longer valued like they once were – maybe it’s because they appear to have it so good with a 6 hour day and 12 weeks of holiday a year but if teaching was such a cushy job, why then are we facing, possibly, the worst teaching shortage since the world wars? Teachers, experienced and amazing teachers, are leaving the classroom in droves – if any other employer was losing staff at the rate schools do, they would do something about it. Now the teachers are striking, yes because they do want more pay in their bank at the end of the week, but mainly because they are desperate for something to change to persuade them to stay in the classroom. While I appreciate most people face stress and anxiety at work, with large work loads and also have to bring work home, I am not saying teachers have it worse than anyone else – the whole country is facing higher living costs and there are many people in jobs that send them to breaking point. But just because this is happening in other industries too, does not make it right and it also does not mean our teachers don’t deserve better treatment or working environments – sorry if the teacher’s strike is a trigger for you but if you don’t like your working environment, wouldn’t you too do something about it? Teachers have been repressed for far too long and it is time for us to fight back.

The high demands put on teachers by senior management, parents, the government and even kids are becoming unbearable and impossible to sustain – this is why teachers are walking away from their ‘cushy’ job. As a teacher, I have found myself pushed to breaking point more times than I wish to count – I have spent many days driving home in tears, sleepless nights unable to switch off from the day’s events or worrying about what will come tomorrow. I have worked all day, through all my breaks, only to come home and work some more just to make sure I was organised for my class – you see you can’t just walk into a classroom and expect magic to happen – an unorganised classroom is worse than anything you could imagine. Kids become feral when they are not stimulated – any parent should appreciate this. It takes considerable amounts of time to plan differentiated learning experiences to engage, stimulate and support a class full of kids who are all so different, learn differently and behave differently – and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

What teachers really want to be able to do it provide the kids of New Zealand the best possible education for them – and a happy teacher will do just this. What I have found, moving from the public system into the private system where I am given considerably more planning and prep time, and a better wage, is that I am a better teacher because I am happy. Other than those busy times, like reporting and the formal side of things, I can mostly leave work at work. I am able to spend my evenings doing things I enjoy and spend time with my family. Because I am happy, I am a much better teacher and I so desperately want this for the rest of the teachers in our country. I still work hard – I still work through most of my breaks but this is a choice I make so I do not have to bring work home. I still work during the holidays too because of the large number of students I now teach (60+) and the way my school is run, I have assessments to grade and formal feedback to give, as well as planning for the term ahead. I also have more support for children with learning need and challenging behaviour – something that is significantly lacking in the private sector – and something they are desperate for but are not getting it from the government.

Yes, teachers could just walk away from the job if they don’t like it, but we care so much about kids, learning and the future and for a lot of us, walking away is not the right thing to do – but fighting for better working conditions is. It doesn’t matter who is in government, this is not a political stunt and sadly the way media has presented these striking events across New Zealand has allowed the public to look at us as if we are greedy, lazy and ungrateful. All we really want is the support from our society, the society we have taught to read and write.

All teachers really want is to be able to teach the kids in their class, in the best way they know how – and for that to happen, they need the time and support – from the government and from you, society.

Written 7th June, 2018

Today I took a mental health day because being a teacher is hard. Having to know 60-odd students inside out – who they are, where they are at and what they get up to in the weekend. Not to mention their abilities within the classroom, relationships with other students, their beliefs around what they are capable of and their parents long list of wants for their child.

Even on a good day, it’s hard to keep up.

My head is constantly spinning – Sarah can’t add fractions, Kylie is struggling to construct a sentence and Claudia is having a fight with Tracey. Kylie’s mum is complaining that I’ve given too much homework and Sarah’s mum is complaining that I haven’t given enough. Tracey’s Dad is on my case because she didn’t achieve well in her last assessment (and yea… it’s my fault 🤦‍♀️), yet Tracey refuses to do anything in class, stares through me when I ask her a question and finally grunts something out if I wait long enough. Joy thinks she can’t do anything and had incredibly low self esteem, Fred has ADHD and struggles to control his impulses and stay focused for longer than 8 minutes at a time. Trudy is dyslexic and had dyscalculia, but is a highly gifted gymnast. April is addicted to her laptop and I have to watch her like a hawk to make sure she is actually doing the task set. April’s mum also thinks April can do no wrong – so I’ve given up making contact with that parent about anything to avoid some sort of backlash because I’m made to feel like I’m in the wrong.

When I try to fall asleep at night, I think about Ken and his worry about how he is struggling to think critically and write information in his own words. I worry about how on earth I am going to push Jennifer in maths when she is so far ahead of the others (and my own ability 😳). I wrack my brain for a creative way to teach my class about how people have conflict over natural resources so not to bore them. I worry about Claudia – how she is feeling after her fight with Tracey and the fact she had an insane amount of extra curricular activities after school that she is a walking zombie in class. I worry that I can’t possibly worry about every single child I teach. There are physically not enough hours in a day.

I feel sick to my stomach when a parent insinuates I’m not doing enough, that I don’t know their child well enough, or they believe their child over me (a grown adult🙄)

I punish myself when kids complain it’s too hard. I punish myself when kids complain it’s too easy. I punish myself for feeling overwhelm. I punish myself when I feel so shattered that I just don’t want to go to school. I punish myself when I feel the fire inside dim. I punish myself when I want to do more but I mentally can’t.

On top of this, I need to be a mother, a wife, a cleaner, a chef, a business owner, a motivator. Constantly filling up everyone’s cup up with my love, energy and attention till there is nothing left at the end of the day for me.

Does this mean my best isn’t enough?
Does this mean I am not enough?
I refuse to believe that. I know I am enough. I know I make a difference.

But I need to learn to put myself first or the education system is gonna lose a pretty amazing teacher.

Written August 15, 2018

Today our teachers were out on strike. Today they walked out of their classrooms to fight for a better place for our kids, and a better place for them to work in.
Today, and much of the last week, I have been drawn to the comment section of newspaper articles giving an insight as to why the teachers are striking.

I find myself consoling my heart as the words I read seem to rip through me like a thousand needles. My heart breaks at the view members of our society have for teachers. As I read, I can feel my chest tighten as the frustration, heartbreak and sadness rises up inside me. It’s like every single moment of anxiety, stress and overwhelm I have ever felt teaching is churning up inside of me and I need other people to know what that feels like. Maybe I am being too sensitive, something I am usually guilty of; I am also guilty of shying away from conflict and stuffing down the voice I have inside.
I am learning that my voice matters and my experiences are shared by many.
I am learning how to use my voice, well my words anyway.
I am learning that my feelings and emotions are teaching me things and I need to take better notice of these feelings.

So, why is this making me feel so sad? I am sad because we are not respected for what we do. Maybe this is personal, that I am worrying too much what other people think about me and what I do. I know my classroom has some amazing things happening in it, most importantly the relationships I create with my students. But they don’t know that – only the kids I teach know that. Only the people that see it and experience it know.

In reply to Adam who commented on a post today.

Adam thinks that teachers just leave kids to teach themselves on devices.
Adam also thinks technology should be BANNED from all schools.
Adam knows this because he walked into a classroom of 50 kids who were ALL on devices. Apparently, according to Adam, we teachers are lazy.
Adam has children, who go to school.

Firstly, if this is your view too let me educate you. If you are walking into a classroom where every child is on a device, then you are walking into a school in a high socio-economic area. In this school, your child is already off to a better start compared to the kid on the other side of Auckland with little heating in their classroom, no breakfast or lunch in their lunch box or a proper pair of shoes. If you are walking into a classroom where every single child has a device then these kids have the opportunity to learn far beyond the parameters of the classroom.
I wonder if Adam asked his child what they were doing while working on said device.
Maybe they were writing a blog post about the science experiment they did earlier that day. Maybe they have a pen-pal in India they were sharing their experiences about life in New Zealand, and in return learning what life is like in india.
Maybe they were using voice-to-text because they struggle to get their ideas down by hand.
Maybe the were reading a teacher’s feedback on a google doc, or better still giving feedback to a friend on their writing.
Maybe, just maybe Adam, they were actually doing something constructive for their learning and growth.

Did you see the teacher Adam? What was the teacher doing?
Was she working with small groups of children, while the rest were completing an activity on their device? This is called differentiation Adam, where teachers group their kids according to needs and teach them what they need to know – so they are not learning things they already know, or things that are too hard for them. This takes a lot of organisation Adam, organisation that was probably done at home, during the teacher’s lunch break or maybe even in bed, while she was sick.

Did you see the teacher Adam? What was the teacher doing?
Was he calming down Timmy who is autistic and lashed out at Sarah when she accidentally popped his balloon? Timmy can get violent Adam; loud noises and feelings of frustration or high stimulation set him off. Timmy’s teacher aide had already gone home for the day because Timmy only gets support for 2 hours a day leaving the teacher to manage Timmy and his class. Timmy takes a lot of teacher time away from the rest of the class. But, I assure you Adam, your child’s teacher is doing their absolute best to make sure every other child in the class is working hard and learning the skills they need to be citizens living in a world we have no idea will look like.

Did you see the teacher Adam? What was the teacher doing?
Was she composing herself, and the children trying to relax after having to lock Sam out of the classroom? Sam is violent too Adam. He lashed out at your child’s teacher. He threw a crayon at her before storming out of the classroom because he didn’t want to participate. That doesn’t sound that bad does it? But Adam, Sam then made his way to the sport’s shed and took a hockey stick. He was able to snap the stick in half after smacking a hockey ball so hard against a concrete wall. Your child’s teacher had to lock Sam out of the classroom when he tried to come into the room with the hockey stick, to protect the kids in the class, including your child Adam. The police had to come. CYFS had to come. His dad wouldn’t come.
This kid is angry Adam, and your child is scared of him.
Your child’s teacher crys on her way home from work everyday Adam.

Did you see the teacher Adam? What was the teacher doing?
Was he sitting with a child completing a one on one assessment? These are really time consuming Adam and take lots of teaching time away from our kids, yea, they give us some valuable information and we can see their progress but it is not a good use of our time. If we had more support and smaller class sizes your child would get more time with the teacher.
It also means that our students need to work independently, and sometimes, this is on a device – because, believe it or not, half the battle is keeping our kids engaged with their learning and our kids are digital natives – they do not know the world without them.

Did you see the teacher Adam? What was the teacher doing?
I bet she wasn’t sitting on facebook writing horrible comments about the parents of the kids she teaches. You’re lucky she is a professional Adam and won’t hold any grudge against your child. She will be charming at Parent Teacher Interviews even though you publicly called her lazy on facebook. She knows your child well Adam – what they are good at, what they are passionate about. She knows who your child plays with at lunch time and that you travel a lot. She knows that your child is a creative writer and hates maths. She knows your child can add fractions but can’t get the hang of percentages or multiplying big numbers mentally. She knows your child had the same view about teachers as you do, and she is hurt you think she is lazy; however, she will still do the best she can to help your child fill their gaps. She will encourage your child to follow their dreams. She will love your child, and support your child and get excited with your child when they achieve that big goal.

I do have a few more questions for you to consider Adam – Why is your child in a class of 50 and they all have to sit down and work on a device? Could it be there are not enough teachers for more direct one on one or even small group instruction? Does this not concern you? Do you not want your child’s teacher to be better supported so that your child is able to get the best possible education they can get – in the world THEY are growing up in, not in the world you GREW up in? Adam, why do you not support the people who spend 30 hours a week with your children? Adam, without an education – and that includes your teachers – you would not be able to contribute to society in the way that I am assuming you do – reading, writing and even voicing your opinion. I teach the kids in my class to justify their points with evidenced based research – and yes, they use their device for that – maybe you were away sick that day when your teacher taught that lesson.
Adam, did you look and see what the teacher was doing?

I used to think that being busy, or people seeing me as busy, meant that I was showing how capable I was. I would literally work myself to breaking point; never being able to say no and taking on much more than I could handle set me on a course towards self destruction, a cycle I would go through more times than I care to count. There is something fundamentally wrong within the culture of teaching, and I will be the first to put my hand up and say that I did wear my stress like a badge of honour. Complaining about how busy I was and how many hours I was doing in my personal time seemed to be my way of showing people around me that, even though I was extremely busy, I could handle it. But what I wasn’t showing people were the tears that would fall while I drove home from school, or the fuzziness in my head from anxiety and overwhelm that would stifle my ability to be a happy wife, mother, friend – or person for that matter. I had to show the world that I was more than capable of running a team, a classroom and a be new mother. I wore stress and overwhelm like a badge because it meant I was hard working. It meant I was progressing in my career. It meant I could handle anything that was thrown at me. I would arrive at school at 7am just to be seen as committed, work through all my breaks because my work load was so insane that I had no other option, only to cry on my way home from school (and sometimes on the way to school) from the stress and overwhelm that had permanently taken space in my body. I liked people commenting on my ability to step up and organise countless trips, appraise a team, coordinate school plays and be a new mother all while holding down a classroom. It made me feel special – like superwoman. For a moment. Only for a moment because I knew what people saw and thought was not the truth. It took me took long to realise that other people’s perception of what we do does not matter a tiny bit, not if we don’t value ourselves enough to stop for a second and put ourselves first. Teacher burnout is all too real – and it is the culture of the environment we are working in that is causing it. We are the only ones who can really stop it. While we look outside to the external factors we have little control over – large class sizes, over-assessed children, behaviour issues, poverty, high workload, bullying (both children and workplace), and so much more, our ability to handle these situations becomes much easier when we are in a clear head space – when we are happy and feel valued, when we get enough sleep, when take a moment to recharge and live as a person, we become better teachers.

This year I took a stand to put my own health and wellbeing first. After facing my fears and accepting that I needed to take a mental health day earlier this year, before I actually lost my shit, I began my journey into teacher wellbeing. Over the past few months, I have been reflecting on my career and I have identified a pattern in my behaviour, and the behaviour of teachers all over the world – I know I am not alone in this. I have observed the culture of teaching from a far through facebook, watching my colleagues and being really observant of my own thoughts and feelings – I know, not really academic research, but I have come to see a common theme. What I have come to realise is that teachers, in general, are plagued by a toxic culture that includes wearing stress as a badge of honour and an overwhelming feeling of being powerless to change our environment. Our work demands are high but how much of these demands are made worse by our own self affliction? We may not have control over what senior management, or society, expect of us when we are quiet, but we do have a voice and when we speak together our voice becomes much louder – and eventually the powers that be will have to take notice. We can control our actions, how we feel and what we think. We can choose to take off that ‘badge of honour’ and face the fact that a teacher’s job is never done, but that does not mean a teacher never has to stop working. We can choose to take the pressure off ourselves. The pressure to be perfect grabs at the ankles of so many teachers and infects the mind with negative and self-sabotaging thoughts – we must have a perfect, pinterest worthy classroom with colour coded headings, amazing examples of student learning and be exceptionally organised; plan immaculate, exciting new lessons for our 5 reading groups, 4 writing groups and 6 maths groups, that cater for the kids with dyslexia, second language learners, the kid who refuses to do anything – but might do something if it is dinosaur themed, the three kids in your class who need to have a TA but don’t, the kid who swears at you and tells you he’s bored – all the time, the girls who asked for something harder and the boy who is working several levels above the rest of the class – and plan these lessons EVERY DAY; we put pressure on ourselves to make sure every student in our class feels valued and loved, even when you hear them whisper about you behind your back, even when they have no respect for you or what you do for them – and neither do their parents; we put pressure on ourselves to to do more in a day than is physically possible and then beat ourselves up at the end of the day for not getting it all done, for feeling physically and mentally drained and for taking the pain, sadness, exhaustion and overwhelm out on our families when we get home.

All of this we actually have control over. We do not have to have pinterest worthy classrooms – the work on the wall does not have to be fit for an art gallery – it needs to reflect the students in your class and should be a celebration of their learning, it can even have spelling mistakes and messy handwriting – you do not need to spend hours laminating and changing wall displays – I promise you, you class will not like you more if you have a Harry Potter themed classroom with a reading corner that looks like you have walked into the library at Hogwarts. You do not, and I repeat, you do not need to plan 15 different mini lessons or differentiated learning experiences a day – think of ways to share the load and collaborate with another teacher in your team, take turns planning for specific learning intentions and groups, share resources and when you are not in a great head space, for whatever reason, or when you are balls deep in report writing that you don’t have the time, its ok to veer off the plan –  you need to look for ways to make life easier for yourself and you do not need to beat yourself up for not being able to live up to the high standards you set for yourself. You can control your thoughts, you can control your actions and you can control your feelings.

What I have learned this year, as I choose to shower myself with love and self-compassion, is that when I am happy within myself – when I have time to be me, and do the things I love, I am a better teacher. I am a better wife, I am a better mother and I am a better friend. It has taken me years to release that self-imposed pressure from myself, to take things day by day, to collaborate and plan with my colleagues, and to put myself first. I am not perfect, and I no longer strive for perfection – I strive for happiness. I have taught my students to value my personal life, I teach them about the importance of balance, about leaving work at home and encourage them to spend their time being kids, doing things they enjoy, just like we, as adults, should be doing once we drive out those school gates. What I have learned this year is that work can wait, the world will not collapse if my lesson plans are not typed up, my classroom will not fall apart if I take a day off sick, my kids will understand if their assessments are a day or two late. I have learned that my happiness determines the happiness of my students because when I am happy I am much more equipped to deal with the times in the term that are a lot busier, I am able to deal with challenging behaviour in a clamer manner, and I do not need to yell at my kids. When I am happy, I am more enthusiastic about teaching which means I don’t actually mind going that extra length to plan a lesson I know my kids will enjoy and light them up. When I am happy, my kids are happy and my kids learn – in fact, they thrive – and they have no idea their lesson plan wasn’t typed up, or that I threw it together in my head, while driving to work.

Together, as teachers, we need to work to change the culture of teaching – only we have the power to do this. Stop putting yourself down for not being able to get it all done in a day – leave your computer at work and go home to your family and friends – meditate – journal – go to the gym – learn to knit – do what sets your soul on fire. Don’t judge other teachers who appear to be struggling either, maybe they don’t know how to ask for help, maybe they think what they are feeling is normal for a teacher – maybe it is normal, but that doesn’t mean it is right.  We need to look out for each other, especially when there seems to be no one looking out for us. Choose to put yourself first, choose to make yourself happy – imagine what our schools would look like if they were filled with happy teachers who show children what it means to love yourself, to value yourself and to live a life you love.

We don’t expect our students to be perfect, so why are you expecting perfection from yourself?

Do what you can, go day by day and support the teachers in your team, and let them support you. Even when it seems you have everything against you and the work on your to-do-list is piling up, don’t let yourself drown in a sea of overwhelm – get up from your desk and breathe – remind yourself you are doing your best, prioritise and drop anything that is not essential and ask for help.

Choose self-love as a badge of honour.